A Woman Walks into a Store

The sweet tooth I developed pre-surgery is still there, but it isn’t raging like it once was but that doesn’t mean I still don’t want sugary foods. Last night I experimented with some “healthy” baking and while I love to cook, baking isn’t really my thing. The healthy brownies I made turned out awful. I ended up dumping them in the trash. In my defense the recipe was very vague and I improvised the whole thing. One baking success that I have had is Fiber One haystacks. It is only three ingredients and it’s also technically not baking, but whatever. I use a sleeve of Fiber One cereal (8.1 oz), 12 oz of semi-sweet chocolate chips, and 1/4 cup of peanut butter. I melt the chocolate with the peanut butter and then mix in the Fiber one. I end up spreading the mixture out on a cookie sheet, freezing it, then breaking them up when they are solid, but you can make individual cookies just as easily.

Today I stopped at a Dollar Tree on my way home from work because I needed to pick up some wrapping paper and a gift bag for my niece’s birthday. The one thing I used to love about the Dollar Tree was the cheap candy and salty snacks. Every time I would enter that store, I’d leave with at least 3 packages of candy and 1 bag of chips or popcorn. When I stopped by today, I walked down the food aisle with the intention of picking something out, but as I passed by the sour candy and Skittles that I always wanted before, I felt no desire to put a bag in my basket. The idea of having that candy just didn’t seem worth it. There was one candy item that I was considering buying and I even said to myself, “it’s only a dollar,” but I reacted like I did pre-surgery when an unnecessary food was just out of my price range; I told myself that while I really wanted it, my desire didn’t justify the cost. For the first time, I walked out of the Dollar Tree without anything edible. I got the items I came there for and left with only the items I intended on getting (except for the potholders because my dog keeps eating the ones we have and I’m sick of using things that aren’t potholders).

It’s weird things like being able to leave a store without a treat that have shocked me the most since having surgery. A few years ago I lived to eat and I now truly feel that I now only eat to live. I don’t really find pleasure in food anymore, but when I would find pleasure in food before, there was a strong emotion I was trying to bury. I used to binge on bags of chips, eating a whole bag in one sitting and finding myself with an upset stomach and anger at my inability to stop. When I tell people I don’t find pleasure in food anymore, I’m really saying I never found pleasure in food but only used it as a poor coping method for something deeper. Not having food be the focus of my life allows me to focus on things that are important to me, like writing. For the last two weeks I have been writing every night and that isn’t something I have been able to do for several years. I’d rather have my writing than a bag of chips and that’s one of the biggest changes I’ve seen in myself.

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