Recognizing When Something is Wrong

It has been nearly two years since I have considered myself in remission from depression. I’m still doing fairly well in terms of my mood management, but I have become hyper-aware of any changes that could cause me to have another episode.

Since having surgery, I have tried to maintain as much normality as I could, even with my life changing so drastically. There are things that I have been able to recognize as a normal change that comes with surgery, like losing interest in most foods, but also realizing that losing sleep is not normal. In the last month I have averaged 5 hours of sleep every night. Needless to say in the last month, I have been unmotivated, irritable, on edge, exhausted, and unreliable. These side effects of sleep deprivation have been affecting my job, in that I am late more often than not. I ended up having a meeting with my boss and informed her of my sleeping issues and how I had made an appointment with my doctor to see what is going on. My doctor’s appointment was on Thursday and my doctor recommended I start taking a very low dose of melatonin before bed. It has been two nights while on it and last night was the first time I slept for eight hours. The last two days I have also not been late for work and have actually arrived 15 minutes early both days.

Two days is only two days, but knowing that there is something I can do to change things, has me motivated to make sure it continues. I refuse to go back to that time where I could barely get out of bed most days and would hide from the world because the idea of leaving the house terrified me. I’m proud of myself for taking the necessary steps in fixing a problem that would have only gotten worse if I ignored it.  It’s hard to keep myself on the right path of being mentally healthy, but it’s a lot harder finding the path after straying for a long time. So while I may wander off sometimes, I can still see where I need to be and always go back.  I will do my best to not get lost again, but staying close enough to the path that I don’t miss the flashing signs warning me of danger is the only way I can keep a relapse at bay. That doesn’t mean there won’t be an unexpected pit that I may fall into, but hopefully it’s only a few feet deep and I can lift myself out again, assuming my arms are strong enough because I’ll be honest I have never been able to lift myself up without assistance from a ladder or a chair. I’ve also never done a pull up. My weak arms aside, there is always a way out and as long as I am healthy, I can prevent myself from falling.

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