Living with a shedding Wookie

My lack of posts to this blog is appalling, I know. I am nearly 4 months out from surgery and I knew there was a strong possibility that I would lose some of my hair because of the weight loss, but I prayed it wouldn’t happen to me. Despite my hopes of keeping as much of my hair as possible, I have been losing a lot more than usual. After I shower the tub looks like a shedding Wookie had just used it. Thankfully I have been blessed with very thick hair so it isn’t very noticeable to other people, but I have noticed that my ponytails are smaller and the hair in my brushes is more than usual. I know that I will get my thick hair back someday but it won’t be for awhile. It’s not like I can do anything about it anyway since I’ve already had the surgery.

In the last month or so, my weight loss has been stalled at or around 255 pounds. I thought that the reason I was at a plateau was because my period was due to arrive and I was retaining water. When the period never showed, I didn’t know what to think. The last time I had an extended stall (around 3 weeks like this time), I started cutting my carb intake and the stall broke. Because of my skepticism over fad diets like low-carb, ketogenic, and paleo diets, I refused to jump on that bandwagon again. Last week I consumed more carbs than I normally do and had at least 3 days in a row where I consumed around 1200 calories which is about 400 more than I usually do. In a matter of 4 days I dropped 8 pounds and I am now at 242 pounds. I spoke with my therapist today (who specializes in eating disorders) and I said that clearly my body is going to do whatever the hell it wants to do and there isn’t much I can do to control it. The weight will come off even if I eat ice cream (which I am actually doing right now), the weight will come off even if I leave the bread on my sandwich, the weight will come off even if I believe it won’t. The only things that will prevent the weight from coming off is if I decide to eat more than 3 times a day and I misuse the tool that is my smaller stomach. I know there will come a point when the weight loss will slow considerably and eventually I will reach the maintenance period, but I have not gotten there yet, so the stalls are not something I should be worrying about right now.

My therapist asked me a couple of weeks ago whether I am having trouble seeing myself in the size that I am now after the considerable amount of weight I have lost. I told her that I’m more often caught off guard when I see my reflection in a window or a mirror because I forget that I am now a lot smaller. One thing I discovered since that therapy session though was how I view the numbers on the scale. I need to preface this by explaining how my brain views things. When I think of the number 250, my brain has a specific place for it on a timeline or a plane in my head. The place where 250 is located is different than where 400 is or 75. When I step on my scale and see the number 242 pop up, my brain doesn’t go to where 242 lives. My brain seems to think that in relation to bathroom scales 242 and 342 are cohabiting the same house, when in reality they aren’t even in the same city. I don’t have this problem with numbers when it isn’t involving a scale though. So in some weird way, my brain still thinks I am over 100 pounds heavier than I really am.

I am happy to report that I have reached the same clothing size as some of the clothes in my mom’s closet (she’s also lost some weight lately but not because of surgery) and for the first time in my life, I am able to share clothes with someone. I remember owning a pair of size 32 jeans (which keep in mind is not a 32 inch waist). Right now I am able to wear size 16 jeans. I haven’t worn them out in the world yet though. Just because I can put on the size 16 jeans doesn’t mean I should be wearing them out in public yet.

Hopefully I will not take as long to update my next post. Here’s a quick rundown of my progress:
Current Weight: 242 pounds
Total Loss: 158 pounds
Loss since Surgery: 55 pounds
Amount to Goal: 64 pounds
Size Pants: 18 comfortably
Shirt Size: XL, sometimes Large
Last Time I Weighed My Current Weight: 2004, Age 18

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