Clearly I am terrible about updating this site. A lot has happened in the two months, and most of it is not even related to my weight loss journey. On August 21, I had to put my 17 year old cat to sleep. I was devastated especially since she had been in my life since I was 14 years old. I miss her terribly and considering how much I relied on her, I am shocked at how well I am doing in the aftermath of her death.
Today I had an appointment with my therapist (who specializes in eating disorders) and I talked about my perception of how others view me now that I’m smaller. I told her that after being the biggest person among everyone I know for so many years, it’s a very weird realization that I am no longer the biggest and am now on the smaller end of the spectrum. Comparing myself to others has been a commonality throughout my entire life and I hate that I still do it as a 31 year old. My worth is no more or no less because I lost weight and other people’s worth is no more or no less because they are smaller or bigger than me.
What prompted the discussion of comparison was because I feel like I have been self-sabotaging myself again like I did when I was depressed. I have been in a 2 month weight loss stall. I was starting to accept that I had lost all that I could, but it occurred to me, that I’m not doing what I need to do to be successful. I’ve been seeing myself shrinking and becoming smaller than people who have always been smaller than me. Having been an obese person with horrible self-esteem for most of my life, I kept believing that my losing weight was making other people feel bad because I took “the easy way” for weight loss. Weight loss surgery isn’t the easy way and I know this, but I do believe it is an easier way. My therapist told me that while I have lost a lot of weight, I still struggle with the same things that people who haven’t had surgery. I have trouble picking the right foods, getting enough water, exercising frequently and all of that. Just because I lost the weight quickly, doesn’t mean I took the easy way.
Comparing myself to others is a thinking style that most adults grew out of. My maturity is still growing because I was depressed for more than a third of my life. Depression essentially stunts normal brain development which caused my emotional maturity to be stunted as well. When my therapist told me that most adults don’t compare themselves to others (at least to the level I do), it shocked me. It shocked me in that the way I think is not like how others think and also because I realized that I can change that thinking pattern. Comparing my life to everyone else’s is anxiety-inducing and esteem-crushing and it gives me hope that I have the ability to stop that.
As my therapy session winded down, my therapist said that my weight loss does not effect anyone else’s self esteem. Even though when I had poor self esteem, I believed other people’s successes were a reflection of my failures, it didn’t cause my poor self esteem. My poor self esteem was from a lack of confidence in my abilities and years of depression telling me I was worthless. After recovering from depression, I was still over 350 pounds, but not having my thoughts clouded by depression allowed me to find my worth and my happiness. I was happy when I weighed 350 pounds and I’m mostly happy now at 220 pounds. At the moment I am only mostly happy because of factors other than my weight, like losing my cat and financial difficulties, but that is how life is; I can’t always expect to be happy and that’s fine.
Current Weight: 220
Weight Lost: 180
Inches Lost: 43
Amended Goal Weight: 190